June 05, 2005

Good Lord

Today I became ordained as a minister. It took just a few seconds online. You may call me Reverend Ewen.



At first I was humble with responsibility, vowing to use my power for good instead of evil. I had not considered what function I would fill. I simply clicked on a website and became an instrument of God. It's an everyday sort of thing I suppose. The good people from Universal Life Church who have accepted me into their flock expouse just two principles... 1) promote freedom of religion. 2) do what is right.

To be honest I have a little trouble with the second principle. That's ok however, I have read enough John Irving novels to realise that an element of doubt is a vital component to growing one's spritual connection. My concern over 'do what is right' is merely the inference that one knows what is right.

To my mind the great source of conflict between nations and people is the tendency for us all to believe we know what is right. To this end the pursuit of tolerance is of great value. So I figure there is value in these two principles and enough for a simple reverend as myself to follow.

Later this very day I did a little more research. "Let google be your guide". I found quite a few other organisations offering ordination online, one of them featuring the inpsired words of none other than Carl Sagan...

"A religion old or new, that stressed the magnificence of the universe as revealed by modern science, might be able to draw forth reserves of reverence and awe hardly tapped by the conventional faiths. Sooner or later, such a religion will emerge."

...hhhm, I cant help but wonder if the great Sagan is more impressed with the laws of physics than the potential for spiritual development?

Isnt that just typical of the issue of religion though - great swagging crowds of people gathered together in awe of the church, while the real mystery is of a somewhat grander scale. Of course religion per se is naught the problem, it's merely the manner in which people follow and interpret what they perceive to be a greater wisdom.

That brings us back to 'do what is right'. Lord help me.

June 04, 2005

Business Non-Sense

business ethics is fast becoming an oxymoron. the gradual development of the western work ethic has side-lined any genuine recognition of the individual in favour of ever reducing incentives for the employee. if you feel that your work environment is a 'carrot and stick' situation with very little carrot then you're not alone. i have listed my top five techniques that the modern management team will utilise to keep you underpaid and undervalued.



if there's one thing i learned from my undergraduate sociology lectures it's to recognise the short lived nature of current historical events. while i didnt realise it back in the 90's, there's something very buddhist about sociological study of history - the idea that everything changes. the simple lesson is to avoid treating the here and now as though it has been forever. with that in mind let's journey into the murky realm of business ethics.

there was a time when the success of a business was measured by the social standing of the company. how many people do they hire? how many graduates do they accept from college? how well off is the average employee? a big company was a respected company, because it grew on the basis of good people and strong ties with the community. this view is increasingly old fashioned and unpopular. if i had a dime for everytime someone told me "it's good business sense" i'd be rich. the suggestion is that somehow it's morally acceptable to f*ck your employees over. well i'm here to tell you that it's not only unacceptable, but it's bad business too.

with that in mind i'd like to run through my top five ways that a company will screw their employees.

let's start with 'salary bands'. the funny thing about management decisions to restrict pay levels is that the people making the decision are usually earning a lot of money. the application of salary bands is a classic piece of double speak that leaves even the most earnest of employees confused and betrayed. the company will typically sell the idea as beneficial to all staff, because it brings everyone into the same scale of remuneration and ensures that people are paid equivalent salaries for equivalent work. your friendly human resources team will joyfully explain to you how they assess where in the scale you sit, ensuring that your skills and contribution have been compared against other staff within the organisation and external industry rates. in fact, countless external consultants have been paid very large sums of money to help ensure that you aren't! the trick here is not with the bands themselves, but in how you are assessed to fit into the bands. the subjective nature of such assessments leaves ample room for minimising company expenditure on your salary.

the next trick follows closely from the first. the application of bands not only reduces the size of the kitty you are bargaining for, but the bands themselves suddenly become paper ceilings to your remuneration growth. anyone who finds themselves anywhere near the top of a salary band will find themselves impeded from salary rises on the basis that they need to leave room in their band for future rises. did you catch that? let's do that again because it can slip past you without so much as a blink! people are denied wage increases on the basis that doing so would remove their opportunity and motivation for the next increase. if this logic seems like a cynical piece of manipulation then you're probably right. those clever people who point out that the solution is to 'move me to a higher band' are often met with the shocking news that doing so may actually *reduce* their salary, not increase it. this is no accident. bands are not exclusive as you might think, rather they overlap. moving up a band requires re-assessment of your skills and you may sit low on the new band to the point of getting a pay reduction. how convenient.

the third trick is bonuses. the language alone is clasic double speak. companies remove a portion of your base salary and offer it back to you as a bonus. brilliant! except the rules governing bonuses are hazy and mystical and never seem to favour the employee. only the HR gurus can really assess fully what your likely bonus outcome will be. sneaky little clauses are placed into your contract which allow the company to exercise discretion over the payment of any bonus. the upshot is this - any failure to meet the full set of criteria for bonus assessment will result in losing a large part, if not all, of your bonus.

no discussion of 'performance bonuses' would be complete without a mention of 'key performance indicators' - KPI's. the most obvious failing of modern management techniques is the wide spread use of KPI's. my first issue with KPI's is the manner in which they are invariably implemented. far from providing clear targets to assist an employe to focus their efforts, most KPI's establish metric targets which by themselves are not sufficent measure of the employee's worth - they merely distract staff from doing their job properly and act as a deterrent to people who may otherwsie show initiative in their work. KPI's can only grade events and targets which are known before hand - they have no bearing on changing environments and unforseen opportunities that are common for many if not most roles. the most objectionable reality of KPI's however is the manner in which they reflect a *lack* of management. any manager worth their salt already knows what their team members are doing and how well they are doing it. they need not resort to mickey mouse number massaging to assess performance or to define targets. it is no wonder then that sloppy managers derive little quality improvement from the application of equally sloppy KPI's.

all of this double speak is currently the realm of human resources. let's stop and think about that term - human *resources*. we no longer think of our staff as *people*? they are merely resources. this is no small part of the bigger picture, the de-personification of employment. the catch cry of the 90's was "it's not personal, it's just business". well here's a news flash, for the employees (or 'human resources') who spend all day working for the betterment of your company it is personal. it is their *lives* that are being played out in your job opportunity, it is their children waiting at home wondering where dad is, and it is their spare time that is taking the brunt of the unpaid overtime that is expected but not remunerated.

that brings me to my forth nugget of corporate deception. the idea that anyone who doesnt stay back and put in a bunch of extra hours will be penalised. in spite of legislation which protects a workers rights to fulfill their contract and nothing more, at every level of our society there exists pressure to 'go one better than the next guy'. we live in fear that someone else will get the promotion if we dont do the extra work. it's a nice little trick. most managers will go to great lengths to avoid saying 'you must come in to work this weekend', as that may have legal implications. but they dont need to spell it out, the work culture is sufficiently tainted with the expectation. your own boss is probably a 10 hour a day worker or worse, and so leads by example to ensure you get the message. just try leaving work at a reasonable hour and listen for the murmours of shock and dismay as you head for the door. word will soon get back to you that maybe you're not pulling your weight. subtle checks are made to verify that you have worked the full 40 hours that week, the inference being "do a little extra just to make sure you dont do too little".

the fifth and final item on my list is loyalty. this is the one which makes me really mad - for corporations to invoke such an emotive term is the height of deceipt. loyalty to the company is demanded on many levels, and it's origins take us back to that era of history when companies rated themselves by how well they took care of their workers. but the fact is that modern companies demand a level of loyalty from their employees that the company itself would never return. cutting staff levels and making redundancies is regarded as 'good business'. loyalty has nothing to do with it. protecting employee entitlements is the least priority when a company goes belly up - debitors and shareholders get their piece of the pie first. and then there's the four items listed above. put them together and what do you have?

let's have no illusions about the philanthropic nature of modern business. the contemporary definition of business sense has little room for compassion or morality. the question is, however, where does it end?

what kind of society are we building as we committ our communities to the immoral pursuit of profit? we create an environment where it's ok to stomp all over the human spirit because "it's not personal". what message does this send to our mum's and dad's and hence to their children? how do people learn to differentiate between a business decision and real life? since when are the two mutually exclusive anyway! employee relations is turning into a real-life game of 'survivor', where the value of friendship and human respect is instantly discounted with the excuse "i'm just playing the game". once the rules of the game define people as resources and reward deception with respect then we are undermining our entire society to the detriment of all.

it is a shallow and pitiful existence for those who play this game for their own advantage, and for them my compassion wears thin.

May 13, 2005

Soccer Bags

High in the Atlas Mountains a few hours drive from Marrakech you will find very few pieces of land flat enough for a soccer game. The children of Imlil have managed to keep their interest alive, however, by using unwanted plastic bags to make a soft and padded ball which doesnt roll too far down the hill - even when little Hussan deliberately kicks it over the edge!



Just two hours drive from the famous souks of Marrakech are the High Atlas Mountains, world famous for trekking adventures and an absolute must see for visitors to Morocco. Our journey took us to Imlil, a small town at the end of the road somewhere near Toubkal. Imlil is surrounded by little communities nestled into the valley, far beyond road access and reached only on foot. For the less energetic among us the option was available to burden a donkey with our backpacks as we headed up the hill in the fading light of the evening. With delight we accepted the offer and by nightfall we were safely tucked away in our Gite - accomodation of the most basic variety.

Sunrise the next morning brought our first proper view of the surrounds. At last we could see where the sound of crashing waterfalls was coming from. High above us the snow capped mountains resisted the sun's early rays, while down below the river ran a furious pace through the valley floor. Outside our Gite a track cuts into the hillside. In places it becomes quite wide, providing enough room for two donkeys to pass each other comfortably.

These sections of track also function for impromptu soccer games with the young boys of the village. At first the rules of the modified game seemed difficult to fathom. We quickly learned that the basic goal is simply to run around after the ball, kicking madly, screaming and yelling and laughing. We joined in the fun and suddenly it all made perfect sense. Our addition of passing the ball between players was a novel addition to the local style and lead to even more squeals of joy by the young lads.

One little fellow, named Hussan, was playing his own rules entirely, and upon getting his foot anywhere near the ball he would eagerly kick it high and wide. His goal was to clear the rocky path edge and send the ball off down the hill. He managed this several times during our short match, but on each occassion several boys would cautiously grab his arms to make sure Hussan himself did not fly off the edge secondarily.

The ball itself was actually a sturdy plastic bag stuffed three quarters full with other plastic bags. It's design ensured a great deal of dampening when kicked, but equally so the ball failed to roll very far when kicked over the side of the path. Most times it would stop where it landed, unable to bounce or roll as a normal soccer ball would. Each time it went over the edge, courtesy of Hussan's efforts, another boy would climb down a few metres and retreive the ball.

A few weeks later we were back in Marrakech and came across some more conventional soccer balls for sale. We contemplated buying a bundle of them and sending them off to Imlil for Hussan and his friends. We decided against it however. Chances are that with one good toe poke such a ball would simply bounce and roll all the way down to the river, never to be seen again. I cant think of a better use for the plastic bags anyway.

May 02, 2005

The Name Catchers

Owning your own internet domain name was once the provence of geeks and big business, but the trend for collecting new and interesting domain names is increasingly popular with the masses. The phenomenon is not restricted to enthusists in the manner of bird watching or train spotting, dont get me wrong. And let's not assume such collectors are eccentric recluses with idle money and fancyful thoughts, far from it. They are regular people who live next door, someone you enjoy a sunday brunch with, or maybe even a relative.

Name Catching has come about through the reduced cost and increased ease of owning a domain name. For as little as $20 a year you can register your own domain name and go about finding a home for it. You rarely need to show much justification for the selected name either. Even in Australia the rules governing suitable claim to a domain name have been greatly relaxed. There was a time when a business had to show are clear connection with the name being requested. It was a timely process and not always sucessful. Getting approval also meant having to dig deep for the registration fee each year, in the order of $70 or more. This is no longer the case.

So a lot of people with small businesses, or maybe just an idea for a business, ended up getting themselves a domain name. They didnt always know what they would do with it of course, that's another matter entirely. Thousands of domain names each year are registered and never mature into a fully fledged website. The rush of invention and inception cut short by the realities of a busy lifestyle. Thousands more, however, will join a stable of siblings, belonging to a sole responsible parent who dilligently pays the minor registration fee every couple of years. A domain found by a name Catcher had a pretty bright future.

For many people who already have a website adding new domains to your kingdom is a relatively painless. Each time you are inspired by a new opportunity for expression you simply grab a witty name to define the borders of your creativity. My friend Jo and her partner Micheal were setting up a new collection of photos online and wanted to call it "happy pics". Michael mused that "happy pigs" would be funnier, and www.happy-pigs.com soon followed. This new site joined artpig.com, combinedmedia.net, michaelwhitehead.co.uk, and many others.

This happy tale of new born domains finding good homes is not the full story however. Even in this new world of instant websites there are casualties. Some domains reach their re-registration date and are sadly overlooked. What seemed like a novel idea two years before can become a closed chapter upon the expiration date. Once loved websites such as www.delusionalfairy.com end up nowhere.com. Many companies now exist for no other reason than to pounce on overdue domain names and hold them for randsom in the hope that some of their forgetful owners will have a change of heart and come looking for them once more. Only a small percentage of names are ever re-united with their owners, but a princely and profitable sum is levied in such instances.

For the multitudes of surviving names there is another burden to consider. While they may achieve a modicum of longevity in the short lived world of online names they rarely achieve any great level of fame or fortune. More often than not the latest addition for the Name Catcher is for whimsical purposes and a suitably small audience. You dont build a new Amazon.com everyday afterall! But that's life when you're from a big family - you have to share the attention with everyone else. Unless the Name Catcher has big plans and intends on lavishing devotion your digital destiny is likely to be a dosile one. Just the occasional visitor or email following the initial flurry of interest.

I have enquired among my friends and have been surprised at how many are multi-domain holders. Most have two or more and several are fully realised Name Catchers with between 5 and 50 domains in their grasp. So if you havent managed to secure a few of your own then chances are you're missing out on the trend. Don't worry though. Despite the best efforts of our interent aware generations there are still lots of domain names left, although they are getting increasingly obscure. Perhaps in time you may have to give up on www.happy-pigs.com and add www.jolly-porcine-farm-animals.com to your collection instead. But that's OK, the internet is very friendly to such websites and, since everything is linked to everything else, it's rare that someone will have to actually type it in.

And if you're thinking of setting up a new website for your soon to arrive new child you might want to check for an available domain name first. Funzlrumpit is not such a bad name for a kid really.